Title: Ties of BloodRating: PG-13Author notes: Lavinia would just like to say that the credit for the written portion of this piece belongs equally to Jean, because not only did she beta multiple versions of it, but she also assisted in the very initial brainstorming for the logistics of the plot. Jean also prepared what was quite possibly the most spectacular transcript that has even been made from the anime flashbacks, in order for Lavinia to make the dialogue and details as wholly accurate as possible. It was so much more than Lavinia ever asked, and made this story better than it would have ever been had Lavinia been on her own making some kind of transcript. Lastly, Jean also sacrificed her most valuable beauty sleep time to type many, many codes into the story (which they are both in agreement now is far too emphatic a story) for the posting. Lavinia would also like to mightily thank LMI for contributing her own v. thorough beta-ing. It also brought the story to a whole new level, as well as enlightened Lavinia of her over-fondness for commas and ridiculously-long if grammatically-correct sentences.Artist notes: Jean would like to say that it is very difficult to be witty at one in the morning and she doesn't know how Lavinia manages it, but she did find her compliments very amusing. It is also difficult to be at all coherent when Lavinia is SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER OMGWTFBBQ.Also: HAHAHA BEAUTY SLEEP. that is all.
You mentioned that you thought the beginning might be a bit slow, and I'm afraid that I have to agree with you.Okay, do you want an honest opinion (most people don't). I'm going to give it; so, if you get upset with me, you can reem me via comment or IM.I don't think you need much of the beginning. The most fascinating parts were the parts in italics--I particularly liked the description of the flash when Integra goes to open the door of Alucard's cell. My problem with the beginning is that it seems rather superfluous--almost Chaucerian in its cataloguing of what Integra is doing, and if one is not careful, that can get tedious. Certainly if you feel like that part is absulutely integral to the story, you can definitely make it that way. For me...it's not. We've seen the anime; so, we know the circumstances surrounding how Integra ends up in that cell. The fascinting part is what's going on in her mind when she's there...and what happens afterwards.And I think you completely captured that with the second half a of the fic.I think in your case, I would say less is more. The more you compact things, in my opinion, the better, the cleaner they get. Editing is such a bitch because so much of it seems like deleting.Someone described this piece as vivid, and I think that's very appropriate. You capute vivid images very well, and you use great language for it. Again, the most vivid parts for me were the intalicized flashes (though having them in 3rd person would suit my tastes better, but I totally see what you were going for).With all of that said, I think you have the beginnings of a great piece here. I'd like to see what you do with it (if you do decide to make more edits).Jean's art is perfect for it...and so lovely.And I hope I haven't stepped on any toes or hurt any feelings.
It's been a long time since I got concrit, so this isn't at all unappreciated. ^_^Yes...I do have the same impression when I look at it again, but I wasn't sure if it was true or not, as I felt I was too close as the author to be objective. And I have a tendency to completely despise anything I write immediately after I write it, so yeah. Anyway, yes, that does seem to be pretty confirmed now. However, given how long ago I wrote that (Christmas 2005, actually, though it went through months of editing...), I'm not going to try to edit it now. Also, I think the beginning has a little value as at least presenting my theory of how she did end up in that air vent. (Also, I have a feeling I was working on my skill at description - I was angsting a lot about that at the time.)Thanks especially for the compliments to my crazy stream-of-consciousness bits - that sort of writing is v. new to me and I was a bit unsure of it all. I'm glad it worked.And I'm hopeful that my current WIPs, being much more recent than that, won't be as tedious. But I'll email you what I have so far of Out of the Dungeon and let you give me your opinion. It has a rather - if not exciting, then tense opening, at any rate.
Hmmm makes sense. And hug...I never questioned why she was in the vent. Lol.I look forward to reading what you send.